Killing Old Habits.

I'm serving a depresso espresso today, so I apologise beforehand. Until now, I didn't realise how much I needed to express my feelings about what was going on in order to fully move onwards and upwards from it. A confirmation of realisation for a desperately needed change; a confession in other words. So here goes...

2020. The start to my own personal decline.

I had just passed my 4th attempt at a driving test in December 2019... yes, that's right, 4th. I am a good driver, I promise! My car was then written off in February 2020 and things from there seemed to just not go right for me, or anyone else. (One silver lining was my Big Booty Beetle aka my voluptuous Volkswagen Beetle). The person in January saying, "don't be silly, Coronavirus won't come here", was very blasé with things at that time. I took everything for granted and didn't prepare for the idea of a Lockdown, even when the idea was circulating that it would most likely take place. Little did I know, 2020 would wind up taking over my 2021 and 2022 chapters.

26th March 2020. At first it was actually really fun, I found it to be a break from the stress of everyday life - a mere 17 year old who found life so difficult going to college. The taking-off of TikTok brought a feeling of community and relativeness to being stuck inside; I'm pretty sure the app made everyone's time that little bit easier. Time I had with Immy, my little sister, enabled me to treasure my time spent with her more than ever before. We did the dances everyone was posting, a couple of YouTube videos. It was the highlight of Lockdown, so it wasn't all doom and gloom. My family and friends at the time made things easier. My mum made my 18th one to remember with a cocktail making day; more like a full day of Pornstar Martinis that we failed at making but aced at drinking. A day of laughs and not a care that we were stuck inside for number 1 8. There were really great memories made from being home all of the time.

But the beginning was okay, until it wasn't.

Self-sabotage. There was a turning point after my birthday where I found that my motivation for College was suddenly on shut down and everything else was to be triggered like dominoes. Beforehand, I had been somewhat good at disciplining myself, keeping focused on my work and my goals, but I was finding it easier and easier to isolate myself and ignore the things I needed to be doing. My passions were fading, my hobbies took a halt and everything was paused.

My mental health took a beating, it became unbearable but it only got worse once I catapulted myself straight into University. In hindsight, I needed to wait. I was working from resentment; from losing time and control over my own wellbeing. Instead of facing what was going on and stopping to sort things out, I sped past the red light. It was difficult looking at social media everyday to see the people who had used Lockdown for bettering themselves. It was more so the disappointment I felt with myself, and as much as I kept stating "this is the time I'm going to change things", my real mind behind the mask wasn't in right shape yet. I forced failures knowing I wasn't ready, but repeatedly manipulated myself to think that I could make myself just do it. It never lasted as it wasn't a healthy approach. To change my lifestyle, I needed to stop.

But I felt like I was on a treadmill on the highest speed.

These failures caused me to spiral down the rabbit hole and I would end up further and further away from being able to see my own reflection. So instead I was stuck with getting to know the mask of myself.

Confirmation for a University placement in Lincoln. I can't say I was even very proud of myself because I just wanted an easy confirmation and somewhere new; a change of scenery was going to fix everything. I'd always dreamt of university, places like Cambridge, London, Edinburgh, and so on. My goals were always high and I always knew what I was going to study, but I'd lost all faith in myself and my goals turned to confusion, so a route to create a fake feeling on success in my abilities? Perfect! I knew it deep down; I was rushing things and felt clouded by expectations and pressures created by myself. There was no immediate need for University during an uncertain time, yet I thought this was the right choice.

Lincoln came with a lot of lessons. The entire year, I was a completely dishevelled version of myself. My closest friends at the time will know that; my room was the worst I'd ever known it to be, my health was diminished, I had lost all care and esteem. None of this is exaggeration, I was lowest of my lows. Everything was a mess. My passion for business was lost momentarily because of my year in Lincoln; the town itself is beautiful, it's my type of place - full of history and character. People I met I truly did have a love for, they brought me up when things were low and temporarily would make me feel like my mask was working. Behind closed doors though, nothing was okay, my friendships were deteriorating, I was pushing people out, I had started locking doors and chucking away the keys.

I'd actually made things worse. So I left.

Summer 2021. Coming home was something I needed to do and I'd been back so much throughout the year anyway, so I knew it really but didn't want to admit it to anyone. I felt like I'd failed again.

An accomplishment I did achieve was a charity run for mental health - the 27 27 challenge - and I completed it! I raised just over £1,500 for Mind - the mental health charity. Gemma Collins even donated, not to name drop or anything... ;)

Things were beginning to feel a little better being at home, but I guess anger took over. I was worrying about my choices with University, I didn't know if I was doing the right thing.. I got in my head; I'd let myself down and I wasn't letting it go. This was what kept letting me down.

Always having something to do felt like a necessity, to keep distracted, to never be on my own, but really I felt lonely the entire time. Stuck in a dark room, not able to find the way out. Going out has never really been my thing, I love it when I'm there and can be the life of the party - ayyy! - but I'm a homely Taurus who would rather be sat watching Netflix with a pizza and some wine. LOL. Need to lift the tone here a little somewhere!

Anyway, I was out pretty much all of the time, which is unlike me, but it helped me feel like I was in a better place somehow. I made some silly choices, we all do, but I lost so many people throughout this time as I was pushing everyone away from what was really going on. I blamed everything and everyone else.

University of Liverpool. I moved to Liverpool in September 2021, and this was where I realised how much my confidence had diminished since Lincoln. I didn't try to mingle anywhere near as much as my previous year, I never made attempts to meet new people or attend lectures, I locked myself away. Completely. I was lucky as I met three of my closest friends in my flat and I felt content with that, Lincoln had almost scared me to make TOO many friends. My appreciation for my friends in Liverpool is beyond explainable, I've never felt more uplifted by people and I know I can still count on them now - shoutouttt. But I'm forever grateful. They were the first people I had fully opened up to in a long time, and I felt understood. So I started to face what was going on, which was obviously rough, and throughout this realisation, I met Charlie.

Charlie will forever be my favourite person, he's basically me but man version - LOL. We found each other whilst in similar places and have been lucky to find each other when we did. Aw. I won't dive too deep into our relationship, but I am forever grateful for the timing and the way things panned out - we wouldn't be Nicole & Charlie without our story.

2022 was a year where I was starting to become aware of my thoughts and feelings and was able to deal with everything going on. It was overwhelming and took so much time, but it has been worth it. I was avoiding it for too long, until just after my birthday - May 2022. I started slowly coming out of that dark room when I moved back to Uni in September, in my own flat and I think that really suited me as it forced me to face my issues, clear my head and feel more like myself again. The only thing I can depend on is me; my flat is the most organised it's ever been and I've kept up with my work more than ever before. It feels beyond refreshing, and I have never felt more like myself in the longest time, not like this. I thought I was just completely different since 2020 as it had been years, but really I'd been stuck in that dark room. I feel awake and I'm back, but it's difficult to post this now without feeling like I sound silly or dramatic. I do know there may be some people who have also felt this way or are presently, which I just hope I've provided some comfort that things will become better and easier to deal with. I've began to let go of resentments and regrets and I am taking everything instead as a lesson and a stronger reason to remain true to myself, always.

It's the strangest feeling being able to finally think clearly again, feeling passionate about my goals and future again. Even little things like reading and makeup have excited me again lately. Here's to a huge change and this blog keeping me busy from now on, I can promise there will be much less depressing content now after this but I needed it. It's felt almost like a relief off my shoulders to write it out like this.

Thank you for taking the time to read this LONG ASS post and I feel grateful for those of you who have become members on here, supporting this new venture & I hope I'm able to make this something you enjoy being a part of.

I'm ready for 2023 to kill all of those horrible old habits, and finally excited for things to come and goals to reach!

Love & Thoughts,

Nic <3

I need some meditation after that too, Patrick!